Big picture questions to ask before starting a family
Alright so, here’s the thing. Communication can be hard. For some of us, expressing our feelings may feel worse than waiting for the 2020 election results to roll in. Other people may wear their heart on their sleeve. Any way you spin it, however, there are some conversations that are CRUCIAL, especially when starting a family. We’ve put together a (fairly) comprehensive list of prompts for you and your partner to talk about.
The best way to do this? Go through the questions on your own first, then talk to your partner. When we are solid in our own values, goals, and desires, we’re less likely to sacrifice. This isn’t to say that you and your partner shouldn’t compromise on certain things, but the goal is to have balance and teamwork.
These things take time
These sections contain some of the bigger, more emotional questions that we need to think about before starting a family. Precisely because of that, these are conversations that should take place over time - not all at once. We recommend that you take a week or so to think through these things on your own, and then over another week (or two), chat with your partner about each category.
A great way to do this is to journal about one category a day. That way, you can bring your notes when you and your partner talk so that you don’t have to remember everything in your head. If you need to take a day or two between journaling, that’s ok! Thinking about our own upbringings and identities can be hard, so give yourself the space and time you need to process.
Career Questions
How important is my career to me right now? What weight does it carry in my overall identity (career, gender, race, religion, values, interests)?
Where do I see myself in 5-10 years?
What are my three big lifetime professional goals?
Am I willing to take a step back from my career to support my partner’s goals?
When would be a good time in my career to have children?
Family Questions
Why do or don’t I want children? If I do want them, how many do I want?
How will I cope with uncertainties or unexpected situations such as having twins or having a child with a disability?
How important is having my own child (vs adoption or surrogacy?)
How important is it for me that my family (parents, siblings, extended) are involved in raising my children?
What role do I want religion to play in my family?
What kind of parent do I want to be? What role and involvement do I expect out of my partner?
Is it important to me that my partner also take parental leave?
Lifestyle Questions
How important is it to me that I have time to see friends and family during the week? To work out? To do things for myself?
How much time each week do I expect to spend 1:1 with my partner?
How important is travel/vacation for me?
Do I have any big personal life goals unrelated to family/career?
Health and Wellbeing Questions
Do we feel mentally and emotionally ready to start a family? Is it our own choice? Are we making this decision because of external pressures?
If I’m the child-bearing parent, am I prepared to undergo physical and hormonal changes to my body?
If I’m the non-childbearing parent, how can I support my partner mentally? In what ways can I step up?
Do we know the risks that come with pregnancy and will we be able to cope if things don’t go to plan? E.g. problems with getting pregnant or coping with miscarriage.
