Reality Check: How One Couple Actually Deals with Housework

This article is written by Theresa, one of our own community members. She gets real with how she and her husband split up household tasks and how they deal with it as a couple.

“Hey babe, can you put this in your to-do list?” There was that word again: Your.  Why was it my responsibility, again, to take care of the electronic toll?  Driving across town, waiting in a ridiculous line at an office that’s only open specific hours (and not on the weekend).  Or was I jumping to conclusions again?  Was that something that I personally was supposed to do or something that we collectively needed to do at some ambiguous time down the line?

If there’s anything that 10 years in a relationship and 8 months of marriage has taught me, it is that communication is essential.  Obvious, yes, but it’s been communicating around the uncomfortable things and teaching each other to be self-aware that has helped us to identify things that are creating resentment.   How do you manage housework when one partner is making more and is required to do “catch up” on the weekend, which is prime cleaning time?  And how do you manage grocery, to-do, and shopping lists without making one person the “household project manager”?

We’re not perfect.  In fact, I think there’s still a lot to learn about living together.  But we have figured out a few strategies that might help in your relationship – whether it’s with a significant other, roommate or family member.

Chores

It is now well-known that women overall contribute a huge amount of effort towards “invisible labor” of childcare and household management.  As a two-career household, this is something that I have struggled with emotionally.  I am a nurturer by nature and want to take care of others, but every once in a while, I want to say “F*ck it”.  It would be nice sometimes if the dishwasher was unloaded without having to ask. 

My husband and I do not have a running list of chores, but instead give each other the space to manage areas we each  mind.  I find laundry soothing.  He actually enjoys cooking on a daily basis.  But when he’s busy at work, he makes sure to set expectations and request that I pick up on some of the cooking duties.  And when I’m not feeling well or busy, I’ll ask him to move a load or put up with the laundry pile being a bit larger than usual.  

For me, I have always hated the idea of splitting chores down the middle.  Then my competitive nature comes out and I’ll rush through making sure all my chores are done as soon as they’re “due” and secretly feel superior or resentful if my partner hasn’t done his at the same cadence.  But is that really a fair expectation if he would rather split up the chores over a week or two?  No, not at all.  Figuring out a way to manage household activities without fostering resentment is a tough balance to find.   Just because you think the laundry is “full” doesn’t mean your other half agrees.  To them, it may look more like “three-more-days-until-full”.   I believe the most important thing is to make it an on-going discussion rather than a one-time thing.  You cannot assume that what worked at one point will be the law for the rest of your relationship.  Life is not static – it’s constantly changing and so too must your partnership adapt.

Household Management 

Despite enjoying taking care of others, I do not like being the de facto manager of grocery lists, household improvements or shopping for birthdays and holidays.  That feels more like being an admin without the paycheck or benefits.   Because I am highly organized by personality a lot of this naturally fell on me, which I resented.  And when I’m resentful about something it tends to come out in random bickering rather than targeted towards the actual irritant.  When we first moved in together it felt like because I was keeping track of the groceries, it was then also my responsibility to do the shopping, plan meals and ensure that the “right” brands were purchased.  We found that transitioning to a shared Amazon list meant that we were both able to add to the list when something popped up and we could see what the other had already added.   The simple act of having something we both contribute to empowered us to have some level of control without having to step over each other.

There is no “secret to success” or way to have a “perfect” relationship.  People who claim to have either situation are probably trying to sell you something!  Fostering patience and remembering that a relationship is a partnership you have to work on is the best way to make something last.  The most important thing is to find someone who is willing to listen, address when things are not going well, and then when things are easy – you’ll know it’s because you’ve put in the work to develop a real partnership.