Why a Chore Wheel Isn't Such a Bad Idea for Grownups
Last week, I broke down the sad state of household division of labor, things that cause it, and reasons why we should care. Today, I want to explain some approaches to relieving the burden on women and to redistributing this unpaid labor across two partners. I’ll also give you some tools for tackling this now because there’s no better way to tackle systemic oppression than with action items.
If you don’t grow up in an environment that makes contributing to household chores normal, you’re more likely to find ways to avoid doing those tasks. As I mentioned before, housework has traditionally been seen as a “woman’s job.” There’s an ingrained “femininity” in ensuring a clean house, and taking on this gender role can feel uncomfortable for some men.
The concept of time and how we view it is also at play; “men’s time is viewed as finite, like diamonds, while women’s time is viewed as infinite, like sand,” explains Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play. There is a “shefault” notion that women will “make time,” or that women have the default responsibility to handle these specific tasks.
When we look at same-sex couples, however, the distribution of household work tends to be more equal; when couples do not rely on traditional expectations of work, they have to to communicate.
Mental Load
Before we dive into why communication is important, let’s talk about mental load. In this case, mental load is the amount of mental space that we dedicate to household maintenance and admin. Often for the primary caregiver, this strain can be a stressful burden. One study even found that the length of commute time has an “important detrimental effect on the well-being of women, but not men…… [This] seems to be a result of their larger responsibility for day-to-day household tasks, including childcare.”
Let’s use an example: think about the last vacation that you planned. How much time did you spend researching flights? Hotels? Restaurants? Sights to see? Whether or not you had to buy tickets in advance for that museum? Now think about a vacation that someone else planned, and how much more relaxing that was for you as an attendee.
Mental load functions much the same way for household chores. If you’re in charge of cooking and grocery shopping, planning out a weekly menu can be time consuming and stressful. You have to make sure that you have all of the ingredients, that you account for food preferences of your household, and more. But if someone simply hands you a grocery list and asks you to go buy everything, all of the cognitive burden, time, and work has been lifted off your shoulders.
End-to-end ownership
In her book, Fair Play, Eve Rodsky advocates for end-to-end ownership of household tasks. She points out that when a couple decides who does what around the house, the split doesn’t have to be 50/50. What is most important is that you own your tasks from beginning to end.
When you commit to owning laundry, for example, not only are you washing, drying, and folding, but you’re also replenishing the detergent without adding that burden onto your partner.
Let’s be clear; if your partner is going to the grocery store, and you need more detergent, you 100% can and should ask your partner to pick some up. However, you’ve now communicated that need, rather than them having to check to see if that’s something the house needs. Points for communication, and for reducing mental taxation on your partner!
Action Items
In a recent Fresh Air podcast episode, Pulitzer-Prize winning journalist and researcher Brigid Schulte advises, “Think of your family as if it’s an entrepreneurial business - would you want your cofounder to pick up the entire workload?”
With that mindset, here are some more ways to split up the workload and keep your ‘business’ running smoothly:
Recognize that all time is created equal. We only have 24 hours in a day; this mutual understanding and respect of each other’s time is key
Make a list of the tasks that you and your partner need to complete around your house each week (you can download cards from Eve’s website if you need ideas)
Commit to end-to-end ownership of a few items. It doesn’t have to be all of them at once, but try a couple out for a few weeks. Then regroup with your partner and TALK about how things are going, how you both are feeling about it, and use this as a great opportunity to communicate
A fun incentive for the two of you is to set a reward at the end of each week. If you’ve both held up your end of the bargain, have a date night! Or adopt that quarantine puppy. Set a motivation that works for both of you
Things to keep in mind
Brigid advises not to pick up the slack of your partner. For example, if your partner makes the bed and leaves the pillows on the floor, don’t pick them up yourself. That would be teaching your partner that they don’t have to follow through all the way. Instead, talk to them about it.
If sitting down with your partner and divvying up cards feels like too much, you can also use language like, “can you help me remember to send a birthday card to Laura?” Or “can you be in charge of watering all the plants this week?” Delegating the mental load of a task rather than simply the task itself is nuanced, but makes the biggest difference.
