Starting a family as a single parent
The idea of family looks different for everyone. To some people, it means having a partner, marriage, kids and a white picket fence to top it all off. For others, it might just involve a whole lotta puppies. There is no right answer, and there is definitely no such thing as a perfect family. What’s right for someone else, may not be right for you; circumstances change and life doesn’t always go to plan. To put it simply, there are many ways to have children, to be a parent, and to start a family. And wherever you are in your journey, we’re here to help you figure it all out.
We’ve already touched on why you might not want to wait for “the one” to start a family. We’ve also dived into the big picture questions and logistics that every parent-to-be should consider. This blogpost will provide further information and resources for anyone who’s specifically thinking to do it all solo.
Parental leave
We’ve talked about it before and we won’t shut up about it until it’s fixed, but maternity leave in the US is terrible. The lack of federal infrastructure leaves pregnant workers and expectant parents unprotected. This is even more worrying for single-parent families. Without paid leave, single parents are most disadvantaged and are often forced to return to work much earlier than two-parent families.
So, if you’re thinking about becoming a single parent, it’s crucial to make sure you’re financially prepared to take leave. Find out the options that are available to you through your workplace. You might be eligible for Short-Term Disability leave, which offers some income replacement and is probably the closest thing to paid maternity leave.
A handful of states have paid family leave laws, but they’re far and few. Check to see if you live in one of these states and whether you’re eligible. A Better Balance has a guide to state rights and a hotline (1-833-633-3222) for free, discreet advice from an attorney. The Center for WorkLife Law at University of California Hastings also has a free hotline (415-703-8276) that connects you with an attorney.
If paid leave is not an option, consider using any accrued paid sick leave, vacation time, and personal days. Otherwise, be prepared to take unpaid leave for the birth (or arrival) of your child. Leave is essential for any new parent, so no matter what option you go for, create a detailed parental leave plan. Discuss it with your employer, your family and friends to see where you can get extra support. As a single parent, you’ll need all the help you can get to care for your child - and to care for yourself.
Making babies
If you decide to go down the reproductive route, there is an extensive array of fertility treatments you can look into as a single parent. For women, there is intrauterine insemination (IUI), in vitro fertilization (IVF), or transfer of a donated embryo. Men (and also women) can use donated eggs, or embryos and a gestational carrier or surrogate. There’s a ton of other medical jargon which we’ll save for the specialists, but one thing should be made clear: undergoing fertility treatment can be an enormous expense and a distressing process.
The American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) estimates the average cost of an IVF cycle in the U.S. at $12,400, plus the cost of fertility medications, which range from $4,000 to $10,000 per cycle. IVF with egg donation is the most costly, with one cycle being anywhere from $25,000 to $30,000. When there’s a chance that you may need up to three cycles to get pregnant, the costs can become eye-wateringly high, especially if they fall on one income.
Not all hope is lost though, there are lots of ways to pay for fertility treatments:
Payment plans - many clinics offer a ‘money-back guarantee program,’ whereby if the treatment fails, you get a refund
Insurance - some plans cover a part or all of IVF treatment depending on your provider and your situation
Credit cards
Crowdfunding
Borrowing from friends and family
Retirement savings
There’s also the option of having a friend be a sperm or egg donor, or a friend or family member who could be your surrogate. As we mentioned in our previous post, there is a whole slew of relationship, communication, and legal nuance for all of these options, so it’s worth taking your time to research and understand what your boundaries are. More importantly, there is no set price tag when undergoing fertility treatment, it differs for everyone. So set a budget and go in with realistic expectations. No one should go bankrupt or lose their mental health over it.
Adoption
The average cost of adoption in the US, according to a report from Adoptive Families Magazine, is $43,000 for families adopting a baby through a private agency. International adoption can be even costlier, not to mention some countries don’t allow single-parent adoption. Alternatively, adopting from foster care can cost virtually nothing. Find out which route best suits you and your budget.
While there are no laws in the US that prevent single parents from adopting, there are some agencies that have marriage requirements for hopeful adoptive parents. Here are some singe-parent friendly adoption agencies to check out:
The bottom line
Starting a family is overwhelming for any parent, single or not. While the financial and emotional costs might seem heavier when shouldering them alone, being a single parent is not an impossible feat. With a realistic approach and thorough planning, those who want to start a family on their own have the option to do so.
Here are some organizations to check out:
Single Mothers by Choice is a nonprofit for women and non-binary people who are considering single-parenthood, those who are already pregnant and those who are single parents by choice.
Single Mothers United is a Virginia based group that supports single mothers throughout the US. They have a facebook group which you can easily access for support, to share stories and advice.
There are single parent groups found throughout the country. Use social media such as Facebook or Meetup to find a group near you.
Single Dad is an online community of single dads that share their knowledge and experiences.
National Parent Helpline has a comprehensive directory where you can find support and resources for all types of parents.
